Undesirable in Comparison.

I despise the following words and/or phrases:

Someday.
What if?
Maybe.
Could have been.
If only.
Possibly.

I hate all of these things because it robs from the beauty of this moment, it takes my focus off of the now. Lately a lot of people have asked me questions that me make me not only try to refigure the past but also makes me question the hope of today... I can't afford to do that. I can't get lost in that place of what I wanted vs. what really ended up happening.

I can't keep missing out on what is important. I can't keep forgetting to show people that they matter. I am not ok with having an overwhelming feeling of urgency but not doing a thing to express it. I keep sitting on my hands all the while knowing the consequence of my complacency.

I have a choice: to consume myself in all of the "could have beens" or to be proactive about making today a day that makes all of those things undesirable in comparison.

I don't get to say I can't.

"Listen to the musn'ts, child, listen to the don'ts,
Listen to the
shouldn'ts, the impossibilities, the won'ts. Listen to the
never haves, then
listen close to me... Anything can happen child, Anything
can be." --Shel Silverstein

Lately I have been wondering what my life would look like if we lived like we actually believed that nothing was impossible through Him...

... if we could get past all the times we were told we couldn't...

.... if we could forget what has been or what makes sense....

.... if we could finally stop limiting ourselves to our own strength...

I no longer have the comfort of saying that I can't.

Not bad enough...

"If you ran without sacrifice, congrats, you just jogged. Running hurts, it hurts a lot, but the pain has a purpose. It teaches us that we are capable of more then we think. It teaches us that good things don't come easy. It teaches us that hard work will be rewarded and laziness will be punished. Don't expect to learn these lessons from running shiftless jogging. Next time you suffer on the roads or trials, suffer proudly. It means you ran like an animal.
... Pain is nothing compared to what it feels like to quit."

I can't count the amount of times I have decided that I was going to learn how to be a good runner. I would start off well, convince myself that I could make it my new routine... but there was always something I wanted more. The time would come and I would be loaded with excuses. There was always something more important to do, someone I thought I had to talk to just then, the desire for just one hour more of sleep even though I would have been fine without it... I have figured out by now that I can justify just about anything.

But the truth it- I just didn't want it bad enough. It didn't mean enough to me.

I hate to admit this, but I am not overly impressed with who I am right now. I wish I could say that I am doing whatever it takes to change that- but I can't. I still daily see traces of bitterness that has no place in my life, bitterness that has a common tendency to sting those around me. There is this harshness in me- I don't exactly know how it got there, but I need it to be gone. I once heard someone say "Until the fear of remaining the same overcomes your fear of change, you will always remain the same." I want to be different, I really do... but I am terrified at the cost. I remember how bad it hurt the last time... I just keep wondering, at what point will it at become impossible for me to be satisfied with where I am at? What fear, what hurt, what desire, what situation will keep me from becoming the person I am supposed to be compared to this selfish, fearful person I have somehow let myself become? How bad do I actually want this?

For so long the answer has been not bad enough...
But now, with all assurace, I know that I can't stay here.
My heart longs for that connection with God that comes only from complete surrender.

I think I might start running again...

Hello Fort Myers.

I am in day six here in Fort Myers. I am all moved in to my apartment, and the wonderful maintaince team here at First Assembly of God got me hooked up with air conditioning- oh how we take it for granted until we go days without it! This week has been a series of meetings, and cleaning and painting, and moments of quality time and conversations, all of which I have sincerely missed so much.



To be entirely honest, a third year was never part of my plans. I was never exactly against the idea, but I always invisioned me continuing education. But being here I am entirely thankful that by the mercy of God I have been blessed to have the opportunities to be apart of these ministries. I get to be apart of the things that I love. And the most beautiful and also the most important detail of all of these things is this: I can't do it. Which is perfect.



Something that I have prayed and asked God for is to be entrusted with a life that I can't live on my own. To give God opportunities to show up in my indequacies and do something incredible. I want to do things in a way that there is no chance for people to give the credit for me. I look at the things that I have been asked to do this year, things like helping with Girls Discipleship and teaching logos, or even my involvement at the South Campus... and I am so excited that I don't have to do this on my own talent or skill- we wouldn't get too far!



This is the verse that I am holding on to: "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." 2 Corinthians 4: 7



There is surpassing {a large amount or high degree, exceeding, excelling, or extraordinary} power that is in me. I am equiped... but only to show a strength thats not my own. Only to love and serve people in a way that would adequately depict the way my God loves and serves people.



Side note: I miss my neice and brother terribly. That baby is too cute and I continue to be floored by how much my brother has changed since becoming a father. Having a relationship with him is a new thing for us but such a blessing. I am so proud of him.

And so it begins!

I just got finished packing everything I own and loading it into my car... in record time! I can't believe that it is already that time again, year three. I never expected to be back once more, but I am so thankful for what God is going to do this year and for the ways he changes our plans!

I have spent a lot of time this week reflecting on the past two years, and I am still blown away by how faithful my God has been. His word promises those who follow him "life more abundantly" and even in the smallest of details he has given me just that, although I so often fail to see his provision. But day by day he is teaching me to find beauty even in the most desolate of places, to find splendor in the mundane that most of the time I quickly cast off. He is training my ears to hear him even in the midst of the noise and the chaos, and most importantly, he has taught my heart to trust him...

... This year is an opportunity to learn to trust him more. I know that in and of myself I have nothing to offer, but here I am knowing that my God will use me. Not because I deserve it, but because my reflection must imitate him. Because his word promises. And because they deserve more then what I can conjur up to give them.

I am excited to get moved in and see everyone! My apartment decoration "theme" is based off of the children's book The Giving Tree : ) Should prove to be quite interesting.

Expanding hope.

… And then all of a sudden, there it is. Hope.

Have you ever woke up in the morning to find that the weight that has been on your heart for so long is finally gone? The anxiousness that you have felt for months is finally replaced by an excitement for what is to come… and you can breath. Once again you can actually breathe.

For me, this reunion with Hope is like seeing an old friend. Once upon a time you were really close, you could not imagine spending a day- even a moment- without her. Next thing you know she is gone. You spend months trying to get in contact with her, and after a while it is almost like she never existed. You even question the moments spent with her- were they actually real or did you just convince yourself of her presence?

I missed you… I dreamt about you coming back. And here you are.

Hope walked back in, and of course, I was excited to see her. My first instinct was to run to her, wrap my arms around to her and cling to her in a way that would guarantee that she wouldn’t leave me again. But then, as reality comes trickling down past the emotions and then to common sense, this is excitement is replaced with one haunting question- where did you go? Hope, how could leave me?

Hope, I searched for you relentlessly. But you were no where to be found.
I needed you. You left at the moment of my deepest desperation.
And here you are again; right when I learned to face each day without you… you need to work on your timing dear friend.
There were moments when I thought that you were gone. But there is this book that I have learned to trust and believe that told me that faith, hope, and love would always remain. My faith has been quickened, and love has cost me greatly, but hope you have been absent for quite some time.

I don’t know how long you will stay, but oh how I have missed you.
Stay with me for a while Hope, but then I need you to befriend someone else…
They need you more then I do.
Because though you may leave and allow my heart to be burdened once more, this love and faith that I acquired will be there to be my endurance and strength. I adore your company and the anticipation you bring, but greater then this feeling is the assurance of His love. It is far greater.

Thank you for leaving me. You knew what was best all along.
Let’s enjoy this moment together, and in this fellowship we can dream for them… because we both know that Hope expands as you give it away.

But I know better...

I don't know how to start this thing.

So...

I have been screaming that there has to be more, but my voice has come out so small that it seems I simply should have whispered. But I know better. My voice has grown hoarse and by now my throat burns as each sound is made, but silent I will never be. I will join in the chorus being written all around me, chords of faith and verses of victory and triumph. Someday it will be loud enough for you to hear, and someday my song will inspire you to worship this God that has caused my heart to sing. Until then, I will gently hum this melody, a song composed so intricately, distinguished by dynamics and crescendos that prove that it was inspired by a passion that set my soul back into motion. The song grows and expands- the song is unfamiliar with limits.



Someday, I will sing it to you as we celebrate the fact that there truly was more, that we paid the price to live from our hearts. I will sing it to you as we celebrate abundance.





I have heard him say that there is more. More then what I have been, more then what I have experienced, more then what I have dreamed... more then what I can do on my own.
So right now, it is just a whisper. And my voice... it remains hoarse.
But I am confident in this, He will show up.
Though I can't comprehend it, though it seems greater then what I can accomplish... utterly impossible...
I will stand in great anticipation for His strength to be made perfect in my many weaknesses!!!