Not bad enough...

"If you ran without sacrifice, congrats, you just jogged. Running hurts, it hurts a lot, but the pain has a purpose. It teaches us that we are capable of more then we think. It teaches us that good things don't come easy. It teaches us that hard work will be rewarded and laziness will be punished. Don't expect to learn these lessons from running shiftless jogging. Next time you suffer on the roads or trials, suffer proudly. It means you ran like an animal.
... Pain is nothing compared to what it feels like to quit."

I can't count the amount of times I have decided that I was going to learn how to be a good runner. I would start off well, convince myself that I could make it my new routine... but there was always something I wanted more. The time would come and I would be loaded with excuses. There was always something more important to do, someone I thought I had to talk to just then, the desire for just one hour more of sleep even though I would have been fine without it... I have figured out by now that I can justify just about anything.

But the truth it- I just didn't want it bad enough. It didn't mean enough to me.

I hate to admit this, but I am not overly impressed with who I am right now. I wish I could say that I am doing whatever it takes to change that- but I can't. I still daily see traces of bitterness that has no place in my life, bitterness that has a common tendency to sting those around me. There is this harshness in me- I don't exactly know how it got there, but I need it to be gone. I once heard someone say "Until the fear of remaining the same overcomes your fear of change, you will always remain the same." I want to be different, I really do... but I am terrified at the cost. I remember how bad it hurt the last time... I just keep wondering, at what point will it at become impossible for me to be satisfied with where I am at? What fear, what hurt, what desire, what situation will keep me from becoming the person I am supposed to be compared to this selfish, fearful person I have somehow let myself become? How bad do I actually want this?

For so long the answer has been not bad enough...
But now, with all assurace, I know that I can't stay here.
My heart longs for that connection with God that comes only from complete surrender.

I think I might start running again...