The Only Thing I'd Really Like To Be.

"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around- nobody big, I mean- except me. And I am standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everyone if they start to go over the cliff. I mean, if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."

-- The Catcher in the Rye J.D. Salinger

This... this is all that I ever care to accomplish with my life. I want to do this. I am responsible.

My heart is so full... and filled with urgency.

Waking Up.

I am supposed to be working on a logos lesson right now.... but it is not too often that I have these moments of clarity, so I figure this should be documented : )

Things lately have been... Organized. Scheduled. Mundane. Routine. Planned. Prepared. Lacking Life. All for which I take the blame. I have been all too busy and far too responsible for any respectable twenty year old.

I have stiffled my heart to accomplish more. I have quieted dreams to be practical. I have ignored deep desires to satisfy demands. As I take a moment to pause I realize that if I keep going at this pace, I will completely lose myself.

I refuse to let life become an inconvenience instead of something worth living. I have been chasing after all of these things that in all reality I don’t even desire. I continue to try to convince myself to find passion for things that I was not called to accomplish.

I am trading in this lofty goal of perfection for the authentically messy life I crave. I feel a twinge of guilt as I say that, knowing that many will be disappointed by all of the reprecutions of that descision, but I can no longer continue to perform as a machine (how could that possibly reflect the image of my God?).

So that being said...

... I am going to play my music a little louder then necessary...

... I am going to dress up as a Ninja Turtle with my roomate, without even considering how it may appear childish...

... I am going to sing off key as I used to, without shame...

... I am going to let my heart show again, through laughter and through tears...

... I am going to fail- and not feel guilty...

... Back to reading kids books at Barnes and Nobles...

... Back to noticing the things that are actually important...

I feel like I am waking up!

Undesirable in Comparison.

I despise the following words and/or phrases:

Someday.
What if?
Maybe.
Could have been.
If only.
Possibly.

I hate all of these things because it robs from the beauty of this moment, it takes my focus off of the now. Lately a lot of people have asked me questions that me make me not only try to refigure the past but also makes me question the hope of today... I can't afford to do that. I can't get lost in that place of what I wanted vs. what really ended up happening.

I can't keep missing out on what is important. I can't keep forgetting to show people that they matter. I am not ok with having an overwhelming feeling of urgency but not doing a thing to express it. I keep sitting on my hands all the while knowing the consequence of my complacency.

I have a choice: to consume myself in all of the "could have beens" or to be proactive about making today a day that makes all of those things undesirable in comparison.

I don't get to say I can't.

"Listen to the musn'ts, child, listen to the don'ts,
Listen to the
shouldn'ts, the impossibilities, the won'ts. Listen to the
never haves, then
listen close to me... Anything can happen child, Anything
can be." --Shel Silverstein

Lately I have been wondering what my life would look like if we lived like we actually believed that nothing was impossible through Him...

... if we could get past all the times we were told we couldn't...

.... if we could forget what has been or what makes sense....

.... if we could finally stop limiting ourselves to our own strength...

I no longer have the comfort of saying that I can't.

Not bad enough...

"If you ran without sacrifice, congrats, you just jogged. Running hurts, it hurts a lot, but the pain has a purpose. It teaches us that we are capable of more then we think. It teaches us that good things don't come easy. It teaches us that hard work will be rewarded and laziness will be punished. Don't expect to learn these lessons from running shiftless jogging. Next time you suffer on the roads or trials, suffer proudly. It means you ran like an animal.
... Pain is nothing compared to what it feels like to quit."

I can't count the amount of times I have decided that I was going to learn how to be a good runner. I would start off well, convince myself that I could make it my new routine... but there was always something I wanted more. The time would come and I would be loaded with excuses. There was always something more important to do, someone I thought I had to talk to just then, the desire for just one hour more of sleep even though I would have been fine without it... I have figured out by now that I can justify just about anything.

But the truth it- I just didn't want it bad enough. It didn't mean enough to me.

I hate to admit this, but I am not overly impressed with who I am right now. I wish I could say that I am doing whatever it takes to change that- but I can't. I still daily see traces of bitterness that has no place in my life, bitterness that has a common tendency to sting those around me. There is this harshness in me- I don't exactly know how it got there, but I need it to be gone. I once heard someone say "Until the fear of remaining the same overcomes your fear of change, you will always remain the same." I want to be different, I really do... but I am terrified at the cost. I remember how bad it hurt the last time... I just keep wondering, at what point will it at become impossible for me to be satisfied with where I am at? What fear, what hurt, what desire, what situation will keep me from becoming the person I am supposed to be compared to this selfish, fearful person I have somehow let myself become? How bad do I actually want this?

For so long the answer has been not bad enough...
But now, with all assurace, I know that I can't stay here.
My heart longs for that connection with God that comes only from complete surrender.

I think I might start running again...

Hello Fort Myers.

I am in day six here in Fort Myers. I am all moved in to my apartment, and the wonderful maintaince team here at First Assembly of God got me hooked up with air conditioning- oh how we take it for granted until we go days without it! This week has been a series of meetings, and cleaning and painting, and moments of quality time and conversations, all of which I have sincerely missed so much.



To be entirely honest, a third year was never part of my plans. I was never exactly against the idea, but I always invisioned me continuing education. But being here I am entirely thankful that by the mercy of God I have been blessed to have the opportunities to be apart of these ministries. I get to be apart of the things that I love. And the most beautiful and also the most important detail of all of these things is this: I can't do it. Which is perfect.



Something that I have prayed and asked God for is to be entrusted with a life that I can't live on my own. To give God opportunities to show up in my indequacies and do something incredible. I want to do things in a way that there is no chance for people to give the credit for me. I look at the things that I have been asked to do this year, things like helping with Girls Discipleship and teaching logos, or even my involvement at the South Campus... and I am so excited that I don't have to do this on my own talent or skill- we wouldn't get too far!



This is the verse that I am holding on to: "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." 2 Corinthians 4: 7



There is surpassing {a large amount or high degree, exceeding, excelling, or extraordinary} power that is in me. I am equiped... but only to show a strength thats not my own. Only to love and serve people in a way that would adequately depict the way my God loves and serves people.



Side note: I miss my neice and brother terribly. That baby is too cute and I continue to be floored by how much my brother has changed since becoming a father. Having a relationship with him is a new thing for us but such a blessing. I am so proud of him.

And so it begins!

I just got finished packing everything I own and loading it into my car... in record time! I can't believe that it is already that time again, year three. I never expected to be back once more, but I am so thankful for what God is going to do this year and for the ways he changes our plans!

I have spent a lot of time this week reflecting on the past two years, and I am still blown away by how faithful my God has been. His word promises those who follow him "life more abundantly" and even in the smallest of details he has given me just that, although I so often fail to see his provision. But day by day he is teaching me to find beauty even in the most desolate of places, to find splendor in the mundane that most of the time I quickly cast off. He is training my ears to hear him even in the midst of the noise and the chaos, and most importantly, he has taught my heart to trust him...

... This year is an opportunity to learn to trust him more. I know that in and of myself I have nothing to offer, but here I am knowing that my God will use me. Not because I deserve it, but because my reflection must imitate him. Because his word promises. And because they deserve more then what I can conjur up to give them.

I am excited to get moved in and see everyone! My apartment decoration "theme" is based off of the children's book The Giving Tree : ) Should prove to be quite interesting.